wawl-flou-er

Wallflower.

That’s what I am now. Who I am.

Its presumptuous to say that I chose this.

The question is did I really?

I chose to stop the hurting.

And by stopping the hurt, I somehow ended up with loneliness.

Was it worth it?

I can’t answer the question cause I’m still figuring it out.

Its easy to put on a mask; to pretend that everything is okay.

To be happy and carefree.

People choose to believe what they want to, even if its far from the truth.

I chose to put a wide berth between the people who hurt me and myself.

But now, I end being all alone.

Was it worth it? 

There forth.

It's apparent that I've been gone for a really long while.
So much has changed in my life; yet, at the same time, nothing much has.

The last post I wrote was during my first semester since I've started ADP.
Now? It's already my spring break and I'm starting my third semester in 2 weeks time; completing my first year.
Much has happened since then.

At times, I don't recognize the person I've become; I gaze at the reflection and wonder, who is this person I'm staring at?
Familiar yet strangely foreign.
I'm proud of the little, small leaps of progress I've accomplished to grow but I'm also ashamed of the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt. They said it's inevitable, but is it really?

My feelings? They're flighty at best. I don't trust them much at this particular moment.
I get so overwhelmed; consumed by them that I can hardly think reasonably at times. And at times like these, it gets really scary. It feels like I'm in my body but it's being controlled by someone else, like I'm merely a host; a shell for someone to reside in; a mere vessel.

These garbled feelings that reside within me? I can't make heads nor tails of it.
The question is, do I really want to know? Cause the truth might just very well kill me right in the heart.
I doubt I'll have the strength within me to bounce back to my cheerful, happy self again.
There is so much that needs to be poured out; released, I barely know where to even begin.
I guess it's best to take it out, begin the extraction process slowly; bit by bit.
So for now, it's till here I reside.
The final few words till I post again.
Soon. (a promise to myself)

May the path of recovery and self-discovery begins forth.

Fervor.

I want daffodils in my hair,

caramel macchiato in my hand , and 

love in my heart. 

-k.k

Nothing Ever Is.

Constant. 



My last update was in July. It's September now. 
I'm surprised my blog's still getting pageviews. 11 as of yesterday.
It's so dead here. I can practically smell the musty smell of an abandoned room filled to brim with old, dusty books aging and abandoned, awaiting their fate. 


Truth to be told, writing never has come easy for me the past few months. Not as it used to. 
Much has changed since then. I don't even know 
where to begin.
You never really realize how much you've changed till that very moment when you just do. 
It creeps up on you, without any forewarning nor a squeak till you're engulfed entirely in it.
Some of us welcome the change while others don't.
Me? At times like these, I welcome change with an open heart.
Frankly, not much has changed. But on the other hand, much has.
Those whom are close to me already know that I've changed courses. And I wouldn't say it's easier nor tougher, it's a matter of perspective.
However, I do look forward to classes now. Solely on the subject itself. (Maybe not so much on Calculus for now)
Every class I attend, I learn something new. I actually do! It's like a breath of fresh air.
I actually learn for the love of knowledge itself which is rare these days.
Sure, grades do count but this round, it feels different.
I know I still put pressure on myself to get achieve a high GCPA which wasn't really a good thing to do cause I know how pushy I can get when it comes to myself but that's not the point here.
Somehow, I feel like myself again, day by day. Edging back to my young self, where I crave for knowledge.
Like the days I spent with encyclopedias with my small physique, lugging them into the toilet (not that proud of it but it's an ideal place to read), the living room, my parents bed and my mattress.
I would be so fascinated by the diagrams and so immersed in the words that everytime I start whining to my parents or annoy them, they'll shove a book in my hands.
I remember the times I slept with books by side, my faithful companions.

Now, I get to write again for real this time.
Real, lengthy, graded essays. With interesting topics.
That needs research.
Not only that, I'm also given the opportunity to stay on A-Voice and write a feature! Definitely pleased.
Although I'm going have to turn down American Flyer this semester, where I'm asked to write 3 articles, I'm still stoked.
A-Voice is definitely the place I want to stick to for now. There's still so much for me to learn and we've gone so far as a team.
It doesn't really get better than this.
Sure, I'm definitely going to have rewrites to stay up to par with the standards and receive bounces from my editors but it's definitely worth it. Pushing myself to the limits.
At the end of the day, it's when you get published that you truly feel the joy coursing through your veins.

Meeting new people, the past week has been a little hard.
I already have a friend or two here. Somehow I wished for a fresh start. Nevertheless, the familiar faces helped too. 
I haven't found a friend I can confide in yet, just casual friends. I'm sure it takes time and I'm not really pushing it. 
At times, I enjoy the unbeknownst, staying unknown and just blending in till I familiarize myself. Even the solitude, I would revel in it. While other times, I crave for companionship and just laze around in the common area, mingling and taking on the mindless chatter.
This week I realize, I've begin to hope again. 
I've starting to have good dreams. And nighttime ain't as bad now, without the dark, sinister dreams or the plain, dreary and tiring dreams. 
That's a good reason to smile. 
And I have faith that my dream that I dream, may actually be a real life occurrence. I would dearly want that to happen. It would need effort in my part to, to start reaching out. 
I'd want this to be more than just a dream. If it becomes reality, I might share it here. Who knows? 

I wouldn't say this is a return or a comeback for me. 
Tumblr can be very therapeutical for me. 
At times, I'll return and just let it all flow it.
Other times, I'll use other forms of releases. 
Fate decides.

Till welcoming changes, finding yourself amidst chaos, dreams becoming reality and sturdy friendships.
Till then.

Stay afloat.

Cracks in crevices.

The loss of losing someone whom I really love hasn't really strike me right in the heart yet.
I haven't really felt the true loss of losing someone I dearly love.
A second dad.

The only answer I can attribute to this situation is that I'm still in self denial.
Refusing to accept the fact that the man who is always a fatherly figure towards me is gone.
Forever.
Gone.

Until it hits me right square in the heart, I'm still wandering around in this abyss of darkness and gloom.
For the smell of burning incense is all that fogs my mind and clouds my judgement.
And all I can feel is the numbness throbbing in my pulse.
Till I'm ready to allow myself to start experiencing pain and loss, the numbness remains.
Till I finally break, this is how I'll remain.
In this state of comatose.

I know I will eventually break.
When?
I know my resistance to feel is strong.
It's something I wish I wasn't good at.
But apparently it's something I'm good at.

Till I finally feel, this is how it'll be.
Trapped in a maze spun by self deception.

It's there.

It just feels like each day is harder than the day before. And it takes immense strength to not just give up on myself. Cause trust me, it's so tempting to just to. Not even being able to pin-point the exact reason why. To just want to self-combust and dissolve into minute particles, carried away by the sea breeze.

Neither here nor there.

First of all, I forgot my own link to my own blog.
Had to click on Gwen's link at her blog to access mine.

Secondly, I forgot my password.
That took several tries before I finally remembered.

Awesome right?

Time has been creeping stealthily from behind.

With the blink of an eye, it's already May.

Externals are about a week away. 

Funny ain't it? Seemed like just yesterday high school ended. 

Now? One semester of college has just come and gone. 

Plenty of things has occurred in this span of time.

Some pleasant, some painful, some tear-jerking, some frustrating and some just good, old plain happy. 

One thing's for sure, things will never be the same again. 

It never was and never will be.

Life's a constant evolution, if you don't go forth, you'll just be living in the past.

Sooner or later, it ends up consuming you,

So no matter how tempting it is to return back to the past when times felt easier compared to now, it's never that way.

Cause at that time itself, it wasn't easy either.

It's just easier compared to now cause you've been through it and gotten out alive. 

Just have the faith again that you will too, again. This round.

For the endless, countless rounds that you'll face. 

I have no idea why I'm suddenly here again.

My hands have minds of their own.

If there's anyone left even checking out this place, that's a sweet gesture. 

Now, return back to your own life, own challenges and own happiness.

Continue living. 

This is as true as it gets.

Till then.
May the force be with you.