Magical Appearance

I want to start a new blog and just leave this in the past but I'm afraid of committing to something I know I wouldn't really put my heart to (for now).

I guess one of the many reasons I'm even considering doing this again is cause I remember how blogging helped me unscrambled my thoughts back then and made me feel a tad better once I reread my own words. The next is cause a few certain people believe that blogging would help me hone my writing skills (what writing skills?) into something concrete or world-applicable like journalism or what not. I know they mean well but I don't even have that confidence within myself and my writing is mediocre at best. And the other reason is cause I'm mainly procrastinating from writing a letter to my aunt and starting on my readings for the new semester. (I guess tea spilt on my Shakespeare book had a silver lining to it after all)

It's good to start with where I am now. Being in Canada is tough. It's hard on me physically and mentally. But do I regret coming here?

The answer would be no. I chose to come here and I'll accept and live with the choices I made. There are certain decisions I wish I had the ability to change but I know its these mistakes that forced me to grow as a person. And for someone who has plenty left to learn, its a pretty darn good stepping stone. At times its hard, being so far away from home and my comfort zone and it's still not easy somedays. The little things, however, go a long way.

I'll always be grateful to my parents for their sacrifices so that I could study abroad. I know it was not easy, financially and also emotionally for them but they placed my needs before theirs and for that, I'll forever be indebted to them.

I know this is short but there is still so much to be done, as always.
And I'm still at crossroads contemplating whether or not I want to do this but don't keep your hopes up just yet, if there is still any of you left reading. Things unravel in mysterious ways after all.

Till then, bloom as you're destined to.

wawl-flou-er

Wallflower.

That’s what I am now. Who I am.

Its presumptuous to say that I chose this.

The question is did I really?

I chose to stop the hurting.

And by stopping the hurt, I somehow ended up with loneliness.

Was it worth it?

I can’t answer the question cause I’m still figuring it out.

Its easy to put on a mask; to pretend that everything is okay.

To be happy and carefree.

People choose to believe what they want to, even if its far from the truth.

I chose to put a wide berth between the people who hurt me and myself.

But now, I end being all alone.

Was it worth it? 

There forth.

It's apparent that I've been gone for a really long while.
So much has changed in my life; yet, at the same time, nothing much has.

The last post I wrote was during my first semester since I've started ADP.
Now? It's already my spring break and I'm starting my third semester in 2 weeks time; completing my first year.
Much has happened since then.

At times, I don't recognize the person I've become; I gaze at the reflection and wonder, who is this person I'm staring at?
Familiar yet strangely foreign.
I'm proud of the little, small leaps of progress I've accomplished to grow but I'm also ashamed of the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt. They said it's inevitable, but is it really?

My feelings? They're flighty at best. I don't trust them much at this particular moment.
I get so overwhelmed; consumed by them that I can hardly think reasonably at times. And at times like these, it gets really scary. It feels like I'm in my body but it's being controlled by someone else, like I'm merely a host; a shell for someone to reside in; a mere vessel.

These garbled feelings that reside within me? I can't make heads nor tails of it.
The question is, do I really want to know? Cause the truth might just very well kill me right in the heart.
I doubt I'll have the strength within me to bounce back to my cheerful, happy self again.
There is so much that needs to be poured out; released, I barely know where to even begin.
I guess it's best to take it out, begin the extraction process slowly; bit by bit.
So for now, it's till here I reside.
The final few words till I post again.
Soon. (a promise to myself)

May the path of recovery and self-discovery begins forth.

Fervor.

I want daffodils in my hair,

caramel macchiato in my hand , and 

love in my heart. 

-k.k

Nothing Ever Is.

Constant. 



My last update was in July. It's September now. 
I'm surprised my blog's still getting pageviews. 11 as of yesterday.
It's so dead here. I can practically smell the musty smell of an abandoned room filled to brim with old, dusty books aging and abandoned, awaiting their fate. 


Truth to be told, writing never has come easy for me the past few months. Not as it used to. 
Much has changed since then. I don't even know 
where to begin.
You never really realize how much you've changed till that very moment when you just do. 
It creeps up on you, without any forewarning nor a squeak till you're engulfed entirely in it.
Some of us welcome the change while others don't.
Me? At times like these, I welcome change with an open heart.
Frankly, not much has changed. But on the other hand, much has.
Those whom are close to me already know that I've changed courses. And I wouldn't say it's easier nor tougher, it's a matter of perspective.
However, I do look forward to classes now. Solely on the subject itself. (Maybe not so much on Calculus for now)
Every class I attend, I learn something new. I actually do! It's like a breath of fresh air.
I actually learn for the love of knowledge itself which is rare these days.
Sure, grades do count but this round, it feels different.
I know I still put pressure on myself to get achieve a high GCPA which wasn't really a good thing to do cause I know how pushy I can get when it comes to myself but that's not the point here.
Somehow, I feel like myself again, day by day. Edging back to my young self, where I crave for knowledge.
Like the days I spent with encyclopedias with my small physique, lugging them into the toilet (not that proud of it but it's an ideal place to read), the living room, my parents bed and my mattress.
I would be so fascinated by the diagrams and so immersed in the words that everytime I start whining to my parents or annoy them, they'll shove a book in my hands.
I remember the times I slept with books by side, my faithful companions.

Now, I get to write again for real this time.
Real, lengthy, graded essays. With interesting topics.
That needs research.
Not only that, I'm also given the opportunity to stay on A-Voice and write a feature! Definitely pleased.
Although I'm going have to turn down American Flyer this semester, where I'm asked to write 3 articles, I'm still stoked.
A-Voice is definitely the place I want to stick to for now. There's still so much for me to learn and we've gone so far as a team.
It doesn't really get better than this.
Sure, I'm definitely going to have rewrites to stay up to par with the standards and receive bounces from my editors but it's definitely worth it. Pushing myself to the limits.
At the end of the day, it's when you get published that you truly feel the joy coursing through your veins.

Meeting new people, the past week has been a little hard.
I already have a friend or two here. Somehow I wished for a fresh start. Nevertheless, the familiar faces helped too. 
I haven't found a friend I can confide in yet, just casual friends. I'm sure it takes time and I'm not really pushing it. 
At times, I enjoy the unbeknownst, staying unknown and just blending in till I familiarize myself. Even the solitude, I would revel in it. While other times, I crave for companionship and just laze around in the common area, mingling and taking on the mindless chatter.
This week I realize, I've begin to hope again. 
I've starting to have good dreams. And nighttime ain't as bad now, without the dark, sinister dreams or the plain, dreary and tiring dreams. 
That's a good reason to smile. 
And I have faith that my dream that I dream, may actually be a real life occurrence. I would dearly want that to happen. It would need effort in my part to, to start reaching out. 
I'd want this to be more than just a dream. If it becomes reality, I might share it here. Who knows? 

I wouldn't say this is a return or a comeback for me. 
Tumblr can be very therapeutical for me. 
At times, I'll return and just let it all flow it.
Other times, I'll use other forms of releases. 
Fate decides.

Till welcoming changes, finding yourself amidst chaos, dreams becoming reality and sturdy friendships.
Till then.

Stay afloat.

Cracks in crevices.

The loss of losing someone whom I really love hasn't really strike me right in the heart yet.
I haven't really felt the true loss of losing someone I dearly love.
A second dad.

The only answer I can attribute to this situation is that I'm still in self denial.
Refusing to accept the fact that the man who is always a fatherly figure towards me is gone.
Forever.
Gone.

Until it hits me right square in the heart, I'm still wandering around in this abyss of darkness and gloom.
For the smell of burning incense is all that fogs my mind and clouds my judgement.
And all I can feel is the numbness throbbing in my pulse.
Till I'm ready to allow myself to start experiencing pain and loss, the numbness remains.
Till I finally break, this is how I'll remain.
In this state of comatose.

I know I will eventually break.
When?
I know my resistance to feel is strong.
It's something I wish I wasn't good at.
But apparently it's something I'm good at.

Till I finally feel, this is how it'll be.
Trapped in a maze spun by self deception.

It's there.

It just feels like each day is harder than the day before. And it takes immense strength to not just give up on myself. Cause trust me, it's so tempting to just to. Not even being able to pin-point the exact reason why. To just want to self-combust and dissolve into minute particles, carried away by the sea breeze.

Neither here nor there.

First of all, I forgot my own link to my own blog.
Had to click on Gwen's link at her blog to access mine.

Secondly, I forgot my password.
That took several tries before I finally remembered.

Awesome right?

Time has been creeping stealthily from behind.

With the blink of an eye, it's already May.

Externals are about a week away. 

Funny ain't it? Seemed like just yesterday high school ended. 

Now? One semester of college has just come and gone. 

Plenty of things has occurred in this span of time.

Some pleasant, some painful, some tear-jerking, some frustrating and some just good, old plain happy. 

One thing's for sure, things will never be the same again. 

It never was and never will be.

Life's a constant evolution, if you don't go forth, you'll just be living in the past.

Sooner or later, it ends up consuming you,

So no matter how tempting it is to return back to the past when times felt easier compared to now, it's never that way.

Cause at that time itself, it wasn't easy either.

It's just easier compared to now cause you've been through it and gotten out alive. 

Just have the faith again that you will too, again. This round.

For the endless, countless rounds that you'll face. 

I have no idea why I'm suddenly here again.

My hands have minds of their own.

If there's anyone left even checking out this place, that's a sweet gesture. 

Now, return back to your own life, own challenges and own happiness.

Continue living. 

This is as true as it gets.

Till then.
May the force be with you.

Double Whammy.

Dad asked me when I wanted to celebrate, on my birthday or two days after that, on results day. I didn't know the answer.
Honesty speaking, I'm not expecting anything. Cause if I hope too much, I'll rise too high above the clouds just to fall back down spiraling, smack on the ground with no fall-breaker to cushion my fall.
I don't think I'll survive this time.

Gone in the wind.

These 3 months, I’ve learn to grow. 

Inwards.

I’ve learnt that I can find strength in myself even when every fibre in me screams that I’m not able to. 

Even when all I want to do is breakdown into a million tears and just disappear into tiny particles in the air and be carried away by the wind. 

I finally realized the magnitude words have on a certain person.

And how much a memory means to someone.

I still have a plethora to learn. 

That I acknowledge.

But for now, it’s a day to day struggle. 

That begins anew each day. 

And I’ve learnt to accept that challenge heads on.

That things will never go the way you plan it out to be in your head.

Like how an artist sketches his whole revolution  out in his head but it turns out to be an entirely different masterpiece on paper. 

It is after all, what you make out of that particular situation that determines the frown etched on your eyebrows when you sleep at night or the contented smile curved on your lips when you lay your head on your pillow, silently forming a prayer of gratitude for the day.

Life’s after all a process of breathing in, breathing out.

I’m all but just the child of God. 

Hopelessly Hopeful.

Fingers crossed.

About to press sent.

This actually means a lot to me.
So YES, I put plenty of effort into this.
Please don't let it go to waste.

*crosses fingers and toes*

*clicks SEND*

*fingers and toes still crossed*

I feverishly pray that it goes well and I get accepted.

This picture is just here to comfort me.

Just for fun, try to spot the scuba diver and give me a message/tweet if you find him or her. =]

Take a step back. And move forward.

Everything good has to come to an end.
This is a fact that's hard to accept but you still have to.


This past week has been good.
I couldn't ask for anything better.
Sure, there were days when I felt like strangling that certain person who completely ruins my day for me.
But the times I had, the memories shaped and formed, the bittersweet experiences I endured on, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
For these are the stepping stones in my life.
Where the learning curve is steep, it's nearly a perfect straight line heading upwards.

This past week was more then a break for Chinese New Year.
It was a week of self-rediscovery.
Of just stopping to reflect upon myself.
The person I've become, the person I used to be, the person I'm becoming and the person I'm moulding myself into.
Of who I am, who I could be and the potential I had in myself, long buried deep inside.
It was a scary experience, knowing what I would uncover.
There were reasons why they were shoved down in the first place.
But I did not give myself the opportunity to stop and question my actions.
I just did. Without a thought.
No consequences, no questions.
The outcome really surprised me.
Honestly, I was shaken to the core.

For I know, once classes resume, I would be so consumed by everything else around me that I will forget.
Forget the little things in life that shaped me into who I am today.
But here are the few reminders for myself.
Paper cranes, unruly hair, photos, pebbles, ponds, scorching sun and sweat.
They're here as reminders for myself.
That I should never stop smiling even though the whole world is frowning.
That I can be whoever I choose to be for I do not need permission nor allowance from anyone at all.

And I don't want this to ever end, the wild passion burning within me to discover more about myself.
As I push myself even further beyond my wildest imagination and expectations.
I don't want to ever stop here and be a constant.
Neither do I want to be stuck in the past, consumed wholly by fears and disappointments.
Life is never is easy, don't expect it to be any easier in the future but expect the opposite.
It'll get even harder.
But that's life.
And how you choose to perceive it determines the course of your life.
It's up to you after all.


I have no idea where the above came from. It just came out.
Or it might just be my brain screaming at me to get my ass to bed.
Who knows?
I'm heading there now anyway.
Till then.
Enjoy your Chinese New Year/ holidays till it ends.

Toodles.

P.S. I just want to say thanks for being there for me, listening to me pour my heart out. Simply for just being there for me, no matter what. From the bottom of my heart, I'm thanking you. You know who you are. Sometimes I think I don't deserve you. But you'll always stop me from allowing myself to think that.

P.P.S The beauty of rekindled friendships. I'll never get over it's beauty for it still touches my heart to experience it firsthand over and over again, repeatedly.

P.P.P.S. Moose, big-fish-small-fish, In Between and the Mahjong Lookalike, definitely forms an upwards curve on my lips when I recall the times we all spent together.

Running Scared.

I'm feeling down spirited now.

I just need to remind myself that things aren't always what they seem to be.

Everything always has two sides. Two-folds to it. 

Might post a long update tomorrow.

As I intended to today.

Till then. 

Nights. 

A New Year.

by Toyokazu Nagano

Since I won't be home for New Year's Eve, I just want to wish everyone and anyone out there, a Happy New Year!! 

You might want to forget all about this year cause it hasn't been a good one for you or you might wish to remember this year cause it has been a great one for you.

Either which, do welcome the new year for there is much in store for you in 2012 and you won't know till you live life. 

I can really ramble on and on since I'm in a hyper state right now, but I'll keep that for some other day. 

I hope everyone has a good new year/ holiday season.

I'm really blessed to be surrounded by amazing and caring people.

And I hope everyone gets to feel the same too.

So, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

Cheers to a new year.

And the many surprises it'll bring you. 

Till then. 

Sweetness overload?

I found this somewhere written by a guy.
You got to admit, it's pretty sweet.
And true too.

On a different note altogether, I feel I have yet done so many things in life.

There's so much I yearn to do and the list seems endless. 

I've heard so many predictions for the year 2012, it's hard to stay positive when you hear remarks that next year is not going to be a good year especially for the economic.

The market is going to go down even further, more people will loose their jobs, natural disasters are going to strike the world even more aggressively... and the list goes on.

With all this pessimistic predictions circling around everywhere I go, conversations I overhear, articles I over read, it's pretty much written down in stone that it's going to be a challenging year ahead in 2012.

But me, being me, I tend to be optimistic, not overly but still one.

So you can say whatever your mind tells you to but I choose to believe that 2012 is going to okay for me, probably even a good one. 

It might be a new transition, nearly blinding, neither a smooth one but I'll survive. 

It's going to be hard coping with a new environment and new friends and keeping up with the old ones but I'll cope.  

It's not going to be easy but I'll make it through.

There is after all so many things to look forward to and a multitude of things-to-do-before-I-reach-20 I have yet done.

Don't let the world get to you. 

My randomness and I strikes again. Teehee. 

Till more ramblings. 

Christmas in town.

I know it's already Boxing Day but so what?!

Merry Christmas & Happy Boxing Day!!!

I guess when you spend Christmas night in a hospital, your perspective of a festive celebration changes. 

You learn to be more grateful and more appreciative of the people around you.

You learn that things are always tangible and nothing is ever permanent. 

Someone you really look up to and love and respect may be there one day and be gone the next. 

That's how vulnerable human beings are.

We're anything but immortal.

It makes you miss the people you love who aren't there by your side because of physical distance, even more. 

It's just one humbling experience.

Whenever you're faced with a tough situation that just seem hopeless and futile, there's always the little things there to be grateful of and you can just simply smile, keep a bright outlook and crack jokes.

Things aren't always what it seems and it helps to have a little optimism in all of us. 

I just want to wish everyone I love and am acquainted with to have a very Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day. 

I hope they are safe and well and having a good time wherever they may be.

God bless them all. 

Till then.

Stay jolly. 

Who do you listen to?

Your heart or your hard-headed brain?

If it was only that easy.
What are you going to do next year? What are your plans after SPM? What course are you doing? Have you decided which college you're going?
Questions, questions and more questions.
Ain't that the one million dollar question.
That also costs a million dollar. (depending on the career you're pursuing)
If it was only that easy.

Well, if it actually was, it wouldn't be life would it?
There are so many options, choices and indecisive thoughts and likings.
How are we to really know?

I'm grateful that I have amazing people around me to guide me and give me the best of advice, wanting nothing but the best for me.
Ultimately though, the final decision lies within me in my hands.
And it's not something of a decision to be rushed overnight.
It requires mulling and countless days of sleepless nights and doubts flooding the mind till the dam breaks.
But I do know what I have in mind for myself and that is good for me now.
For I plan to achieve my short term goals while striving for the long term ones.

I'm going to leave this post hanging and maybe get back to this some other day...
After all, it's a work a progress.
My life is. And it's a good thing at this stage.

Till then.
More carols and Christmas cheer to pass round this festive season.  =]

Here and Gone Again.

Thank you for everything.

Somehow I lost the writing bug. Temporarily I pray.
SPM was over for me a week ago, and I'm only here now.
That speaks volume.

SPM was anything but easy. I'm glad I made it through, albeit with flying colours or not is a whole different story which we'll know in prolly 3 months time.
I doubt I would made it through the past 3 weeks without my "angels" being there for me.
It's times like these I know I have people whom I love there for me, always reaching out to give me a gentle push in the back whenever I need it and a shoulder to fall back on whenever I'm falling.
Now that high school is officially over, it feels surreal.
I guess it won't really sink in yet till next year officially starts and I find myself loss in a crowd of strangers instead of the hallway full of familiar faces and friends talking a tad too loudly over the chatter.
And heck yeah, I'm horribly and terribly scared.
I feel like a fish out of water, only worse.
That's one thing to deal with.

Part of me wants to go with the easier path, more comfortable and less daunting route, but if I really listen to what I really want, then I should just go with what I choose instead of what the society and peers choose for me shouldn't I?
If that's the case, then why do I get sudden attack of anxiousness telling me that I might have made the wrong choice. Might.
Just so I didn't have to carry out half the effort I have to if I did otherwise.
Simply put, the easier way out.
So why didn't I go for the easy way out then?
If only I had the answers.

This past week has also been lots of 'firsts' for me.
I know I'll always remember them. Especially the 5th of December.
Thank you for being there for me and accepting me for who I am, flaws, imperfections and all.

Before I end, I would just want to say that I'm truly blessed with absolutely wonderful and amazing, splendid people around me.
I really do not know what to do without them.
They'll claim I'll survive but I'll say otherwise.
So all I have left is a simple Thank you and my actions to show my gratitude and gratefulness.

This post is dedicated to Chris, Gwen, Ming and Sam (in no particular order) and to whoever whom reads my blog. 

Till then.

P.S. I think you'll find closure after a while or a long while but you'll feel at peace with yourself. That's when you truly know you're ready to move on to a whole new chapter of your life.

Till then.

Looking forward. 

I'll say, I won't update till after exams. 

Have a nice life peeps.

And to my friends out there taking exams this month, especially major ones, 

GOOD LUCK! 

and all the best. 

Let's all hang out after exams. Hehe. 

The best part of it all. 

Tumultuous.

I know you will try to prove me wrong. 

My heart reaches out to you. I wished I knew what to do. 

I really do.

Cause all I can do now is be there for you.

I suck at giving advise cause I'm never good at taking them in the first place.

But I want you to know that no matter what, I'm always here for you.

I might have told you this a dozen times, but I won't hesitate to repeat it again.

You've been a huge part of my life and I won't let you give up on yourself.

You made me believe in best friends again.

When I thought I never would.

So don't you ever think that I will give up on you.

Not even once. 

Till then, stay strong.