A New Year.

by Toyokazu Nagano

Since I won't be home for New Year's Eve, I just want to wish everyone and anyone out there, a Happy New Year!! 

You might want to forget all about this year cause it hasn't been a good one for you or you might wish to remember this year cause it has been a great one for you.

Either which, do welcome the new year for there is much in store for you in 2012 and you won't know till you live life. 

I can really ramble on and on since I'm in a hyper state right now, but I'll keep that for some other day. 

I hope everyone has a good new year/ holiday season.

I'm really blessed to be surrounded by amazing and caring people.

And I hope everyone gets to feel the same too.

So, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

Cheers to a new year.

And the many surprises it'll bring you. 

Till then. 

Sweetness overload?

I found this somewhere written by a guy.
You got to admit, it's pretty sweet.
And true too.

On a different note altogether, I feel I have yet done so many things in life.

There's so much I yearn to do and the list seems endless. 

I've heard so many predictions for the year 2012, it's hard to stay positive when you hear remarks that next year is not going to be a good year especially for the economic.

The market is going to go down even further, more people will loose their jobs, natural disasters are going to strike the world even more aggressively... and the list goes on.

With all this pessimistic predictions circling around everywhere I go, conversations I overhear, articles I over read, it's pretty much written down in stone that it's going to be a challenging year ahead in 2012.

But me, being me, I tend to be optimistic, not overly but still one.

So you can say whatever your mind tells you to but I choose to believe that 2012 is going to okay for me, probably even a good one. 

It might be a new transition, nearly blinding, neither a smooth one but I'll survive. 

It's going to be hard coping with a new environment and new friends and keeping up with the old ones but I'll cope.  

It's not going to be easy but I'll make it through.

There is after all so many things to look forward to and a multitude of things-to-do-before-I-reach-20 I have yet done.

Don't let the world get to you. 

My randomness and I strikes again. Teehee. 

Till more ramblings. 

Christmas in town.

I know it's already Boxing Day but so what?!

Merry Christmas & Happy Boxing Day!!!

I guess when you spend Christmas night in a hospital, your perspective of a festive celebration changes. 

You learn to be more grateful and more appreciative of the people around you.

You learn that things are always tangible and nothing is ever permanent. 

Someone you really look up to and love and respect may be there one day and be gone the next. 

That's how vulnerable human beings are.

We're anything but immortal.

It makes you miss the people you love who aren't there by your side because of physical distance, even more. 

It's just one humbling experience.

Whenever you're faced with a tough situation that just seem hopeless and futile, there's always the little things there to be grateful of and you can just simply smile, keep a bright outlook and crack jokes.

Things aren't always what it seems and it helps to have a little optimism in all of us. 

I just want to wish everyone I love and am acquainted with to have a very Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day. 

I hope they are safe and well and having a good time wherever they may be.

God bless them all. 

Till then.

Stay jolly. 

Who do you listen to?

Your heart or your hard-headed brain?

If it was only that easy.
What are you going to do next year? What are your plans after SPM? What course are you doing? Have you decided which college you're going?
Questions, questions and more questions.
Ain't that the one million dollar question.
That also costs a million dollar. (depending on the career you're pursuing)
If it was only that easy.

Well, if it actually was, it wouldn't be life would it?
There are so many options, choices and indecisive thoughts and likings.
How are we to really know?

I'm grateful that I have amazing people around me to guide me and give me the best of advice, wanting nothing but the best for me.
Ultimately though, the final decision lies within me in my hands.
And it's not something of a decision to be rushed overnight.
It requires mulling and countless days of sleepless nights and doubts flooding the mind till the dam breaks.
But I do know what I have in mind for myself and that is good for me now.
For I plan to achieve my short term goals while striving for the long term ones.

I'm going to leave this post hanging and maybe get back to this some other day...
After all, it's a work a progress.
My life is. And it's a good thing at this stage.

Till then.
More carols and Christmas cheer to pass round this festive season.  =]

Here and Gone Again.

Thank you for everything.

Somehow I lost the writing bug. Temporarily I pray.
SPM was over for me a week ago, and I'm only here now.
That speaks volume.

SPM was anything but easy. I'm glad I made it through, albeit with flying colours or not is a whole different story which we'll know in prolly 3 months time.
I doubt I would made it through the past 3 weeks without my "angels" being there for me.
It's times like these I know I have people whom I love there for me, always reaching out to give me a gentle push in the back whenever I need it and a shoulder to fall back on whenever I'm falling.
Now that high school is officially over, it feels surreal.
I guess it won't really sink in yet till next year officially starts and I find myself loss in a crowd of strangers instead of the hallway full of familiar faces and friends talking a tad too loudly over the chatter.
And heck yeah, I'm horribly and terribly scared.
I feel like a fish out of water, only worse.
That's one thing to deal with.

Part of me wants to go with the easier path, more comfortable and less daunting route, but if I really listen to what I really want, then I should just go with what I choose instead of what the society and peers choose for me shouldn't I?
If that's the case, then why do I get sudden attack of anxiousness telling me that I might have made the wrong choice. Might.
Just so I didn't have to carry out half the effort I have to if I did otherwise.
Simply put, the easier way out.
So why didn't I go for the easy way out then?
If only I had the answers.

This past week has also been lots of 'firsts' for me.
I know I'll always remember them. Especially the 5th of December.
Thank you for being there for me and accepting me for who I am, flaws, imperfections and all.

Before I end, I would just want to say that I'm truly blessed with absolutely wonderful and amazing, splendid people around me.
I really do not know what to do without them.
They'll claim I'll survive but I'll say otherwise.
So all I have left is a simple Thank you and my actions to show my gratitude and gratefulness.

This post is dedicated to Chris, Gwen, Ming and Sam (in no particular order) and to whoever whom reads my blog. 

Till then.

P.S. I think you'll find closure after a while or a long while but you'll feel at peace with yourself. That's when you truly know you're ready to move on to a whole new chapter of your life.

Till then.

Looking forward. 

I'll say, I won't update till after exams. 

Have a nice life peeps.

And to my friends out there taking exams this month, especially major ones, 

GOOD LUCK! 

and all the best. 

Let's all hang out after exams. Hehe. 

The best part of it all. 

Tumultuous.

I know you will try to prove me wrong. 

My heart reaches out to you. I wished I knew what to do. 

I really do.

Cause all I can do now is be there for you.

I suck at giving advise cause I'm never good at taking them in the first place.

But I want you to know that no matter what, I'm always here for you.

I might have told you this a dozen times, but I won't hesitate to repeat it again.

You've been a huge part of my life and I won't let you give up on yourself.

You made me believe in best friends again.

When I thought I never would.

So don't you ever think that I will give up on you.

Not even once. 

Till then, stay strong. 

Hold Up My Heart.

The time has finally come.

It's the dreaded month for some, the awaited month for others. 

Honestly, part of me wants it over and done with.

Another part of me longs for more time to study and prepare myself.

But no matter how much time I take, I know I'll never be ready this way.

Sighs.

There's so much going on right now.

Too much happening all at once.

It's a flurry of emotion. 

I think I've stopped resisting it all and just taking it in as they come. 

The good, the bad, the worse.

It's all part of growing up.

I have many regrets.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Except to try to fix what's right and learn from the wrong. 

I feel that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

And trust me, there were so many times I felt like giving it all up.

There still are. 

Somehow, I managed to push myself.

And I'm still forging on till this day. 

I have no idea why this is out here.

But somehow, I feel that it's time to let it all out.

This year hasn't been easy for me. 

And it's not going to get easier after this.

In fact, it's only the beginning.

And I acknowledge it. 

I'm really grateful and thankful for the people around me.

I don't know what will become of me if not for them.

But let's not go there, for I am blessed to have them.

Rekindled friendship.

It's such an amazing experience.

Ethereal almost. 

I wished though that someone did not bring a certain person up.

A torrent of emotions and a treasure full of memories just washed back right up for me when it happened. 

Some people cannot be replaced no matter how hard you try. 

I, for one can speak from experience.

And I've given up on trying. 

You just got to accept that people can't be replaced. 

Especially those that leave permanent marks all over your heart. 

I'm going to end abruptly. 

If you see me here, it means I'm alive and breathing. 

If not, well, I'm still be alive but barely.

Oh, I just outran a dog. Teehee. 

   

Watch. =]

Moment of Realization.

Thanks for yesterday Ming.
That meant alot to me.
It's great to have my brother back. =]
Truth to be told, I missed it.
Oh, and your super long essay too.
That was a first. XD

Now here's a question to ponder,
"What if what you thought took time to get easier only gets harder and harder over time? What'd you do?"

P.S. Thanks for the chocolates, Gwen. Better late than never. Hehe. They made my day. =D

[Part Snippet]

Tangible.

Tough truths told out loud.
It has been bubbling inside for sometime, slowly finding it's way out.
Things are never as they seem.
Everything has two sides, double-fold to them.
Thank you for being understanding. For helping me keep my part of the promise I made to you.
You'll make it through this. Trust me.
You are more than what you're going through right now.

You'll never be rid of me. =p 

***

And for this special someone, Thank you for letting me into your life.

I know you're disappointed that that things did not go the way as planned, that you did not get what you wanted. 

You might think that someone else deserve it better, but I believe that you deserve it as much too.

I choose to believe that God has bigger plans for you.

And someday, you'll find out.

Till then, I'm always here for you. =] 

Toodles. 

Time for bed.

P.S. I have more than a reason to not go to school now since I can't bear to part with the new addition to the family. It just breaks my heart being apart. Sighs. At least, I'll be awaiting the second the school bell rings, indicating the moment school's over.

P.P.S. Words never seem to do enough justice.

Addition.

Latest addition to the family. =]

I love her to bits and pieces.

Early Christmas.

Roast turkey with stuffed chestnuts for dinner. Yum.
Most delicious turkey I've ever had.
It's sort of a festive cheer two months early.
Well, I welcome it with open arms. So no complains over here.

Oh, and toast with nutella for breakfast too. I could live off that. =]

P.S. I've enjoy our conversations these past few days. They've been a real treat. You keep me going you know. And I love you for that.


[Snippets]

The Reason Why.

Don't take people for granted. Especially the people who love you.
Just cause they are always there for you doesn't mean it will stay that way.
The act gets old.
The bread goes stale.
And there's only so much one can tolerate before the dam breaks.

[Snippets]

Double Dosage.

Yesterday was awesome!!
It's a wonder I didn't explode from the amazing-ness.

A book fair and a concert.
Both in the same day!!
Consecutively one after another.
Freaking unbelievable.

One thing's for sure, I'm going to wake up with aching shoulders, a sore neck and a sexy voice.
Oh, and possible hearing loss.

The book fair was pretty decent.
I do want to go back for another round though.

This is my first concert for this year after two years.
With Van, Jia, Queenie, Des and Amirul.
I can't remember when was the last time I screamed and jumped so much. I probably grew a few inches taller. *inserts maniac laugh*
So don't blame me for being super-duper-hyper-excited.
It's a break from reality.

Due to my awesomeness, I prolly lost my voice.
When meeting up with Yvonne, her words were, "Xiao, your voice!"
Smexy. I know. xD

Time for bed.
Toodles.

P.S. Mind the poor quality of images. It's taken using the phone.
P.P.S. I might update more about this on the lappie instead of the phone. We'll see. =D

Brighter Green.

And you can't help but wonder, "Why the hell do I keep repeating the same mistake over and over again?"

Cause seriously, this has to stop.
All of it.

And yes, I'm disappointed in myself. I am. In more ways than that.
Satisfied that I finally said it out loud?
I know you've been wanting me to admit my weakness for the frigging world to hear so it's out now.
Be satisfied. Be real satisfied.

[Snippets]

This day.

One of the only ways for me to get out of my funk is making others happy.

Cause when I make others happy, I get happy myself. 

It's really simple.

[Snippets]

A Great Loss.

"She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet."

 - Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Hope Now.

I didn't think I would be able to do it.

It's one thing to speak and another to do.
Actions speak louder than words afterall.
I'm just relieved that I managed to gather the courage to do what I just did.
Let's just stay decent with one another. We're not friends, neither are we enemies.
Neutral grounds.

P.S. You never know what might just happen in the next corner. All you can do is have faith in Him. I'm happy for the both of you. =]

[Snippets]

A Short One.

I'm going to start posting snippets here again cause I can.
They'll just be short posts of about approximately one to two sentences short. XD

Highlight of today:
KT owes me ice cream.
Another ice cream to claim. Hehe.

P.S. I hope I can sum up the courage to do what I'm going to do to make you happy cause you deserve happiness. And if it means gathering up all the courage I have within me to do it, I will.


Here's my Batman. My personal name for him. =]

Just for you.

GWEN LEE!!
Cause I love you so much.  =D

Pictures from Cullinaire Malaysia 2011.
I took them all by myself.
All the pictures are unedited and are straight from the camera.
I just compiled them together and added my name.
Feast your eyes and your tummies. =]

I'll be back again the next time.
And Gwen will be with me this time so we can eat until we make ourselves sick. =D

Toodles.

Little Something.

Just missing you. 

I doubt the missing-you-part ever gets easier. 

The last time we talked, I talked too much. 

You should have stopped me. 

So it'll be your turn the next time. =]
And I don't mind CS. You're the only one who calls me that. :)

Here's a little something to think back about in a few days and laugh over.

Cousin: Leng chai, what is your name?
Guy: *in a soft voice* Ansen
*Cousins look at one another*
Cousin: Handsome?
Guy: No, Ansen but I don't mind handsome.

Epicness.
If you have a child in the future, and it's a boy, do consider naming him that. XD

Wedding bells.

Surge forward.

These past two days have been really hectic.
My plans of sleeping early were completely ruined.
But it was worth it.

A Chinese traditional wedding really is filled with traditions, procedures and what-nots.

It's really complicated and there's so much to do. I literally mean a whole lot.
Chipping in my help for the past two days, I can testify to that.
Even then, my contributions were really small.
The best part was being one of the 'ji mui' for my cousin. 

The things we came up with for the groom, unbelievable.

If you didn't already know, the Chinese have a tradition where the groom has to pass through a few stages or so called barriers set up by the bride's 'ji mui's' (consisting of her girl cousin and close friends) before he can meet his bride.
The groom and his 'heng dai's' (consisting of his guy cousins and close friends) has to do whatever we want them to do.
If they fail to do so, they'll get punished.
Usually by eating something nasty such as crackers filled with wasabi or a jelly filled with a bee (we did this before!) or anything else you can come up with.

This time round, it was nothing much really crazy, just entertaining for us, girls.
We enjoyed ourselves a bit tad too much when the guys had to kiss each other with a card wedged between two lips in futile attempt to pass a card by its flat surface from one guy to another.
If the card dropped, they get punished.
By eating bread filled with chilli tunas and an extra ingredient , cili padi placed lovingly by us inside.
You just have to love us.

The cheesiest part was where we made the groom serenade the bride outside the door.
On my guitar.
That was really sweet and touching.
There were even background vocals by his 'heng dai's'.

Next, we had a tea ceremony.
Which took really long since we have a huge family and by huge, I do mean ginormous.
There were family members, extended families, and extended extended families.

Fast-forward, it's nighttime now.
Time to hit the sacks soon.

If you read it from top to bottom, give yourself a pat on the back.
I'm sort of distracted while typing this and not really in the blogging mood so the writing may be crappy.
Excuse me for that, yea.

Till more weddings in the future.
Till then.


P.S. I didn't get to take any photos since I was involved. Wished I could do both. Oh well.

Before I die.

I'm going to spend a birthday of mine in Disneyland. 

Just cause I want to. 

Simple as that.

Closer to the Edge.

I'm too lazy to update a long post.

There's just so much that has happened, it's too much to say.

But one thing that majorly pisses me off is not being able to post the pictures I've taken here. 

I really really want to show you guys the amazing masterpieces of cakes, chocolates and all things delectable which I took at Culinaire Malaysia 2011.

It's just absolutely frustrating that I can't. 

So I'm going off to bed now.

Soon. 

Till then, enjoy your life. 

P.S. I'll think of a way to share the piccies. Especially for you Gwen. =]

Breathe in, breathe out.

I know I'm suppose to post an update today.
A lengthy long-ish one at least?
But I'm not in the mood to.
I still have so much to do.
And exams continue again tomorrow.
Kinda feeling a tad bit of lifeless now as I could be out somewhere, at a place where I'm fond of.
Instead I'm at home, not that I have anything against home, it's lovely.
Just want to be out being able to do what I want, without feeling guilty.
The main consolation for myself is that, there's only 3 days left. 5 papers.
Yes, three long, windy, late nights left.
Then I get to enjoy myself for a tad bit.
I have several plans up my sleeves that I can't wait to carry out.
Probably involves declaring self-holidays for myself I presume.
After that, it's back to war with the books again.
Life.


As most of you know, a dear teacher of ours passed away yesterday.
I'm still speechless and in a state of disbelief.
I don't do well with grief.
All I can say right now is that she's an amazing teacher who's dedicated to her job.
And it's such a loss to the world that we've lost someone like her.
One thing's for sure, she'll always be in our hearts.


Just another something I want to say.
Two days ago was the best opportunity for me to asked you if you wanted to be friends.
Cause there are two options; friends or enemies.
Frankly speaking, I don't need an enemy nor want one.
They are a waste of time and effort.
The awkward silences and  brief looks has to stop.
I'm not judging you for what you did.
Heck, I don't even know the whole story.
So now the only options I'm offering is friends or strangers.
Done deal.
Only thing left to say is that it's a waste to loose a friend.


Back to studying.
I shouldn't be here in the first place.
Ming, if you're reading this, I updated. Obviously. Haha.


Till then.

Friendly Reminder.

Just a gentle reminder to myself.

Probably update a short one tomorrow. Depends.

Till then.
Toodles.

Still Alive.

The first week of exams are officially over.

Which concludes that the second week of exams have officially begun.

Oh joy. Hooray anyone? *hints the sarcasm remark*

Work hard. Study hard. Play even harder.

Best advice I've seen on the net for some time.

Speaking of advice, I just want to thank a certain someone who gave me a really simple, down-to-earth suggestion when I was down and all stressed up. It's actually that simple and it worked!

I was expecting it not to. Heheee.. 

Just wanted to say a simple thank you.  =]

Remember the silly Pikachu joke? 

I'm still laughing at the absurdity of it.

Just a lil something to share. 

Back to studying. 

Have a nice life. 

Sum Up.

The dreaded month for those sitting for trials. Me included. Obviously.

This one week holiday has been anything but fruitful.

The one main thing I did was procrastinate and sleep.

And still I'm tired to the core.

Where's the logic in that?

One thing's for sure, I'm screwed for trials.

How did I bring this upon myself?

No matter how many times or how hard I drill myself for an answer, I wouldn't get it.

It wouldn't change a thing anyway.

However this holiday hit me with a realization.

The past will always chase up to you if you don't learn to let go.

And each hit gets worse and the blows come down harder than before.

I guess you could say I'm coming to terms with some issues right now.

But it ain't easy and the timing isn't right either.

It never is anyway, just have to deal with that.

On the bright side of things, I can still swim!

Random me.

I really do miss the water.

It didn't occur to me till I was swimming in the pool few days back.

I haven't been in the water for some time before that.

Guess I really am a water baby. Hehe..

I can't really remember who but someone used to call me that.

This holiday has also been about surprises and rekindling old friendships.

It etched a smile on my face, knowing that the both of you still remembered me.

We'll hang out soon.

Last but not least, before I end, I would like to express my gratitude and utter joy for having this very special person in my life.

If you're reading this and you know what CS means, you know who you are.

Thank you for tolerating my crappy mood swings, my tardiness, my non-stop chatter, my insecurities and so much more.

Thank you for being there for me.

I don't know what the future holds for us but I'm more than blessed to have shared this much with you.

Never would I have expected any of this.

And I have you to thank for and God for placing me into your life and you into mine.

That's one thing I'm always grateful for.

And the other thing to be grateful about is having an amazing but LOUD person in my life for the past 7 years. XD

So here's a shout-out to that person:

GWEN LEE, I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!!

See the smiles!! =D

Sighs, what are we going to do next year when we're not together?

Anyway, know that I love you lots and lots.

And I can't wait to see you in about 24 hours time. =]

Time to end this post. Thanks for waiting Gwennie. I owe you kisses now. HAHA.

I'm still holding on the the good bits in life.

They make everything worthwhile. =]

Good luck for trials peeps.

Toodles.

P.S. Stop calling me CS!! Grr...

P.P.S. I'm getting hooked on Grey's Anatomy. Epicness.

No more excuses.

It is What it Is.

Cause it hurts more than you let yourself to say out loud.

Everything just feels like crap right now.

And you just want to brawl your eyes out.

It just hurts so bad.

I never thought I would feel this much this soon but now I can empathise with you instead of sympathising you.

That's the one good thing that came out of it all.

What's rubbing it in more is when the one you could always turn to isn't there for you anymore.

That makes everything so much worse than it already is.

The feeling of helplessness is just overwhelming.

Cause everything I do just doesn't turn out right anymore.

No matter how hard I try.

So I pray for patience when I need it the most and for strength to carry on when I'm at my weakest especially at times when I'm at the edge of tethering on the edge.

I pray for courage to do what I'm most afraid of right now and I pray for the ability to change the what I'm supposed to about myself.

I'm only human.

Please let me do the right thing now.

Rainy Days.

When it's raining outside and you're feeling terribly cold, go have some ice-cream.

Especially coffee-flavoured ones. =]

Pumped Up Kicks.

Aww...

That just melts your heart doesn't it??

Say it does!!

Thats what happens when I try to upload my own pictures. It gets really frustrating.

But they're so so adorable. Especially the black one. *points above*

I actually kidnapped the puppy. Teehee.

Lost in doggy world.

Till then.

Toodles.

And she said, "A trip to the aquarium will do you good."

"I know."

"And it'll make up for the 40 plus pictures I lost back in my old house. "

Off to bed.

Feeling uninspired.

Toodles.

P.S. Vick, I'm sorry if I can't get it done. Words don't come easy anymore.

Comfort.

We all need comforting, albeit consciously or not.

Healing Begins.

It's good to end on a good note.

The pups are as fat as ever. =]

You Belong.

If only I took in advise as easily as a sponge absorbs water.

Do what makes you happy.

I don't know what to think anymore.

The good memories do stay imprinted and that makes everything a little better, the world a bit more brighter even if all else crumbles into pieces.

Back to school tomorrow.

It's the first of a new month.

Till then...

Take care.

Take good care.

P.S. Oversized t-shirts and messy hair. Simple as that.

P.S.S. I want to loathe you for hurting him, someone that I truly care about, the idea of you marring him and the fact that you actually did that to your own flesh and blood gives me every reason to. But what goes around, comes around. Karma's a bi**h that way. So I'm not going to hate you, I'll just feel indifference towards you. I have finally found the courage to say this out loud.

Self-Explanatory.

Last one for the night. :)

Sunshine.

I read somewhere, "If it doesn't kill you, it will shape you; if it doesn't break you, it will make you."

It does have some truth to it.

Oh, well, life.

***

Why is it I can take on a book with 619 pages willingly and read every single word but not stand 15 minutes of the Physics textbook?

The ironies of life.

***

Dear homework, you are not attractive and I am not doing you.

My words to school homework every single time I get them.

Prejudiced. Lol.

"Studying only makes me realize how much I don't know." Haha.

Words by Molly.

Wise ones indeed.

At least you get to learn something new, right?

Back to reading.

Not much into blogging these days.

More into sharing my personal pictures.

But since I can't, I'll just share the pictures that forms a smile on my face.

Toodles.

Comfort.

We'll be.

Someday.

Till Tomorrow.

=]

Sighs.

I need Photoshop for Mac. =[

Saving up for so much.

P.S. 21-6. Wonder how long you'll keep count. XD