Nothing Ever Is.

Constant. 



My last update was in July. It's September now. 
I'm surprised my blog's still getting pageviews. 11 as of yesterday.
It's so dead here. I can practically smell the musty smell of an abandoned room filled to brim with old, dusty books aging and abandoned, awaiting their fate. 


Truth to be told, writing never has come easy for me the past few months. Not as it used to. 
Much has changed since then. I don't even know 
where to begin.
You never really realize how much you've changed till that very moment when you just do. 
It creeps up on you, without any forewarning nor a squeak till you're engulfed entirely in it.
Some of us welcome the change while others don't.
Me? At times like these, I welcome change with an open heart.
Frankly, not much has changed. But on the other hand, much has.
Those whom are close to me already know that I've changed courses. And I wouldn't say it's easier nor tougher, it's a matter of perspective.
However, I do look forward to classes now. Solely on the subject itself. (Maybe not so much on Calculus for now)
Every class I attend, I learn something new. I actually do! It's like a breath of fresh air.
I actually learn for the love of knowledge itself which is rare these days.
Sure, grades do count but this round, it feels different.
I know I still put pressure on myself to get achieve a high GCPA which wasn't really a good thing to do cause I know how pushy I can get when it comes to myself but that's not the point here.
Somehow, I feel like myself again, day by day. Edging back to my young self, where I crave for knowledge.
Like the days I spent with encyclopedias with my small physique, lugging them into the toilet (not that proud of it but it's an ideal place to read), the living room, my parents bed and my mattress.
I would be so fascinated by the diagrams and so immersed in the words that everytime I start whining to my parents or annoy them, they'll shove a book in my hands.
I remember the times I slept with books by side, my faithful companions.

Now, I get to write again for real this time.
Real, lengthy, graded essays. With interesting topics.
That needs research.
Not only that, I'm also given the opportunity to stay on A-Voice and write a feature! Definitely pleased.
Although I'm going have to turn down American Flyer this semester, where I'm asked to write 3 articles, I'm still stoked.
A-Voice is definitely the place I want to stick to for now. There's still so much for me to learn and we've gone so far as a team.
It doesn't really get better than this.
Sure, I'm definitely going to have rewrites to stay up to par with the standards and receive bounces from my editors but it's definitely worth it. Pushing myself to the limits.
At the end of the day, it's when you get published that you truly feel the joy coursing through your veins.

Meeting new people, the past week has been a little hard.
I already have a friend or two here. Somehow I wished for a fresh start. Nevertheless, the familiar faces helped too. 
I haven't found a friend I can confide in yet, just casual friends. I'm sure it takes time and I'm not really pushing it. 
At times, I enjoy the unbeknownst, staying unknown and just blending in till I familiarize myself. Even the solitude, I would revel in it. While other times, I crave for companionship and just laze around in the common area, mingling and taking on the mindless chatter.
This week I realize, I've begin to hope again. 
I've starting to have good dreams. And nighttime ain't as bad now, without the dark, sinister dreams or the plain, dreary and tiring dreams. 
That's a good reason to smile. 
And I have faith that my dream that I dream, may actually be a real life occurrence. I would dearly want that to happen. It would need effort in my part to, to start reaching out. 
I'd want this to be more than just a dream. If it becomes reality, I might share it here. Who knows? 

I wouldn't say this is a return or a comeback for me. 
Tumblr can be very therapeutical for me. 
At times, I'll return and just let it all flow it.
Other times, I'll use other forms of releases. 
Fate decides.

Till welcoming changes, finding yourself amidst chaos, dreams becoming reality and sturdy friendships.
Till then.

Stay afloat.

Cracks in crevices.

The loss of losing someone whom I really love hasn't really strike me right in the heart yet.
I haven't really felt the true loss of losing someone I dearly love.
A second dad.

The only answer I can attribute to this situation is that I'm still in self denial.
Refusing to accept the fact that the man who is always a fatherly figure towards me is gone.
Forever.
Gone.

Until it hits me right square in the heart, I'm still wandering around in this abyss of darkness and gloom.
For the smell of burning incense is all that fogs my mind and clouds my judgement.
And all I can feel is the numbness throbbing in my pulse.
Till I'm ready to allow myself to start experiencing pain and loss, the numbness remains.
Till I finally break, this is how I'll remain.
In this state of comatose.

I know I will eventually break.
When?
I know my resistance to feel is strong.
It's something I wish I wasn't good at.
But apparently it's something I'm good at.

Till I finally feel, this is how it'll be.
Trapped in a maze spun by self deception.

It's there.

It just feels like each day is harder than the day before. And it takes immense strength to not just give up on myself. Cause trust me, it's so tempting to just to. Not even being able to pin-point the exact reason why. To just want to self-combust and dissolve into minute particles, carried away by the sea breeze.

Neither here nor there.

First of all, I forgot my own link to my own blog.
Had to click on Gwen's link at her blog to access mine.

Secondly, I forgot my password.
That took several tries before I finally remembered.

Awesome right?

Time has been creeping stealthily from behind.

With the blink of an eye, it's already May.

Externals are about a week away. 

Funny ain't it? Seemed like just yesterday high school ended. 

Now? One semester of college has just come and gone. 

Plenty of things has occurred in this span of time.

Some pleasant, some painful, some tear-jerking, some frustrating and some just good, old plain happy. 

One thing's for sure, things will never be the same again. 

It never was and never will be.

Life's a constant evolution, if you don't go forth, you'll just be living in the past.

Sooner or later, it ends up consuming you,

So no matter how tempting it is to return back to the past when times felt easier compared to now, it's never that way.

Cause at that time itself, it wasn't easy either.

It's just easier compared to now cause you've been through it and gotten out alive. 

Just have the faith again that you will too, again. This round.

For the endless, countless rounds that you'll face. 

I have no idea why I'm suddenly here again.

My hands have minds of their own.

If there's anyone left even checking out this place, that's a sweet gesture. 

Now, return back to your own life, own challenges and own happiness.

Continue living. 

This is as true as it gets.

Till then.
May the force be with you.

Double Whammy.

Dad asked me when I wanted to celebrate, on my birthday or two days after that, on results day. I didn't know the answer.
Honesty speaking, I'm not expecting anything. Cause if I hope too much, I'll rise too high above the clouds just to fall back down spiraling, smack on the ground with no fall-breaker to cushion my fall.
I don't think I'll survive this time.

Gone in the wind.

These 3 months, I’ve learn to grow. 

Inwards.

I’ve learnt that I can find strength in myself even when every fibre in me screams that I’m not able to. 

Even when all I want to do is breakdown into a million tears and just disappear into tiny particles in the air and be carried away by the wind. 

I finally realized the magnitude words have on a certain person.

And how much a memory means to someone.

I still have a plethora to learn. 

That I acknowledge.

But for now, it’s a day to day struggle. 

That begins anew each day. 

And I’ve learnt to accept that challenge heads on.

That things will never go the way you plan it out to be in your head.

Like how an artist sketches his whole revolution  out in his head but it turns out to be an entirely different masterpiece on paper. 

It is after all, what you make out of that particular situation that determines the frown etched on your eyebrows when you sleep at night or the contented smile curved on your lips when you lay your head on your pillow, silently forming a prayer of gratitude for the day.

Life’s after all a process of breathing in, breathing out.

I’m all but just the child of God. 

Hopelessly Hopeful.

Fingers crossed.

About to press sent.

This actually means a lot to me.
So YES, I put plenty of effort into this.
Please don't let it go to waste.

*crosses fingers and toes*

*clicks SEND*

*fingers and toes still crossed*

I feverishly pray that it goes well and I get accepted.

This picture is just here to comfort me.

Just for fun, try to spot the scuba diver and give me a message/tweet if you find him or her. =]

Take a step back. And move forward.

Everything good has to come to an end.
This is a fact that's hard to accept but you still have to.


This past week has been good.
I couldn't ask for anything better.
Sure, there were days when I felt like strangling that certain person who completely ruins my day for me.
But the times I had, the memories shaped and formed, the bittersweet experiences I endured on, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
For these are the stepping stones in my life.
Where the learning curve is steep, it's nearly a perfect straight line heading upwards.

This past week was more then a break for Chinese New Year.
It was a week of self-rediscovery.
Of just stopping to reflect upon myself.
The person I've become, the person I used to be, the person I'm becoming and the person I'm moulding myself into.
Of who I am, who I could be and the potential I had in myself, long buried deep inside.
It was a scary experience, knowing what I would uncover.
There were reasons why they were shoved down in the first place.
But I did not give myself the opportunity to stop and question my actions.
I just did. Without a thought.
No consequences, no questions.
The outcome really surprised me.
Honestly, I was shaken to the core.

For I know, once classes resume, I would be so consumed by everything else around me that I will forget.
Forget the little things in life that shaped me into who I am today.
But here are the few reminders for myself.
Paper cranes, unruly hair, photos, pebbles, ponds, scorching sun and sweat.
They're here as reminders for myself.
That I should never stop smiling even though the whole world is frowning.
That I can be whoever I choose to be for I do not need permission nor allowance from anyone at all.

And I don't want this to ever end, the wild passion burning within me to discover more about myself.
As I push myself even further beyond my wildest imagination and expectations.
I don't want to ever stop here and be a constant.
Neither do I want to be stuck in the past, consumed wholly by fears and disappointments.
Life is never is easy, don't expect it to be any easier in the future but expect the opposite.
It'll get even harder.
But that's life.
And how you choose to perceive it determines the course of your life.
It's up to you after all.


I have no idea where the above came from. It just came out.
Or it might just be my brain screaming at me to get my ass to bed.
Who knows?
I'm heading there now anyway.
Till then.
Enjoy your Chinese New Year/ holidays till it ends.

Toodles.

P.S. I just want to say thanks for being there for me, listening to me pour my heart out. Simply for just being there for me, no matter what. From the bottom of my heart, I'm thanking you. You know who you are. Sometimes I think I don't deserve you. But you'll always stop me from allowing myself to think that.

P.P.S The beauty of rekindled friendships. I'll never get over it's beauty for it still touches my heart to experience it firsthand over and over again, repeatedly.

P.P.P.S. Moose, big-fish-small-fish, In Between and the Mahjong Lookalike, definitely forms an upwards curve on my lips when I recall the times we all spent together.

Running Scared.

I'm feeling down spirited now.

I just need to remind myself that things aren't always what they seem to be.

Everything always has two sides. Two-folds to it. 

Might post a long update tomorrow.

As I intended to today.

Till then. 

Nights.